Shortly after the birth of my first baby, beribboned packages began arriving at my door. Well-meaning neighbors and relatives had chosen cards with sayings like: “Don’t you love gazing at your sleeping bundle of joy!” or “You are blessed with an angel resting on your shoulder.” My daughter was a bundle of joy, and I was blessed. But she wasn’t sleeping, and neither were my husband or I. In fact, my husband who rarely drank alcohol began sipping “Wild Turkey” while sitting on the front steps of our house.
I have yet to meet a baby who is a serene sleeper. Although I’ve heard about them, I’ve never known an infant who tranquilly nursed, napped, and cooed. Sleep deprivation is a fact of life for most parents of newborns, but it is a rarely discussed issue. Perhaps in our culture of achieving and excelling, few want to admit that they haven’t figured out how to soothe a baby or to organize a schedule enabling the adults to keep their sanity. In retrospect, my daughter had a classic case of colic. She would arch her back, thrash her legs, and wail for hours. Putting her in her car seat atop a spinning dryer, strolling her in her carriage, taking drives in the car, and rocking her quieted her for a time but as soon as the motion stopped, she was awake and crying. This cycle lasted for almost five months. It took several doctors' appointments to convince me that there wasn't something seriously wrong with her. Colic is obviously an extreme case, but all babies cry. Pediatricians say that infants need to blow off steam and fretting is their means of communication. But few well-educated and reasonable folks want to admit that they can’t figure out a newborn’s cues or how to put him down happily in his crib.
Not long after my daughter’s early months passed, friends and acquaintances who were new parents began seeking my advice. I hadn’t been quiet about the turmoil that had occurred in our home. Even though I didn’t have a huge amount of suggestions I found that people, women in particular, needed to talk. Finding a sympathetic ear was important. My dear friend Barbara who was living across the Atlantic in the United Kingdom, still remembers being able to frantically phone me while she was pacing the living room (or lounge as she would say) with little Jacquelyn, now eighteen, slung over one shoulder.
From where I sit as a grandma, it’s difficult to believe that the pressure has only continued. Due to new research on “Sudden Infant Death Syndrome”, babies must be placed on their backs until they are twelve months old. Gone are the days when an infant could curl up cozily on her stomach and put her thumb in her mouth. Today it’s even harder for babies to learn to comfort themselves as they lie on their backs, sometimes trapped between two bolsters so they cannot change their position and wind up in a dangerous sleeping pose. Mothers and fathers who are lucky to have babies, who sleep through the night and even take regular naps, are smugly secure on the playground. They’re probably the same people whose newborns drifted off effortlessly after filling their bellies and having their diapers changed. Those battling the fatigue caused by being roused multiple times during the night and having few breaks during the day, feel like running for cover when faced with these “success stories”.
I have encouraged my daughter that even from several states away, being a willing and available listener for a friend who is a new mother, is a valuable gift. Too many parents are isolated and lack emotional support. The challenges of negotiating life while being exhausted are large enough without feeling insecure or doubting oneself because of the frustration involved in trying to calm an infant’s crying.
